Patience is a Virgin

“He has smiled at me a few times. But that could just be him being friendly.” An afterthought. “Or wind.” Then more upbeat. “Mind you, I did overhear the other girls saying it will only be a matter of time before he tries to seduce me.”

“That’s great. It means they know for a fact he likes you.”

“No, Penny. It means they know for a fact I’m the only girl in the office he hasn’t shagged yet.”

“Yes, but don’t you see? It’s the perfect solution to your problem. Open your legs to Geoffy-boy and say farewell to your virginity.”

“But he’s my boss.”

“So?”

“It would be unprofessional. And unethical.”

Penny was having none of it. “Oh, fuck the un words. I thought this was an emergency.”

“I’d hardly call it that.”

“Wouldn’t you? At the beginning of this conversation, losing your virginity was more important to you than oxygen.”

Patience took stock of the situation for a moment. Something was not quite right here. At said beginning of conversation, Penny was part of the “virginity is no big deal” crowd. Now the girl was on emergency code red, all systems go, on call and ready to assist in the deflowering of Patience Hope, no matter what, who, how, where, when or why.

“Penny? Are you mocking me?”

A genuine and sincere Penny responded with, “No, of course not. If losing your virginity is that important to you, then as a good mate, I am here to help you in any way I can. Which is why I think it will be a brilliant idea for you to go into work today and open your legs for the boss at the first available opportunity. Preferably during your tea break or lunch hour to avoid any docking of your wages.”

Patience felt unsure. “Yes, but banging the boss doesn’t feel right.”

“Why, what’s wrong with him? Is he a total minger?”

“No, he’s rather handsome actually.”

“And has he got money?”

“He’s the boss. Bound to be loaded.”

“All the more reason for you to sample his sausage. Who knows? You might bag an exotic holiday out of it. Or a car. Or even a house.”

Patience shrank into herself, uneasy. “Maybe this isn’t such a good idea after all.”

Penny rolled her eyes to the heavens. “Do you want to get shot of your virginity or not?”

“You know I do.”

“Then it’s settled.” Penny was not for turning. “Patience Hope. Today’s the day your cherry gets picked.”

Patience’s mobile phone bleeped for attention. It was a text. She read the message and beamed with glee.

“Who is it?” asked Penny, wanting in.

“Joe. He wants to meet me for a coffee after work. I haven’t seen him for months. It will be nice to catch up on things.”

“Who’s Joe when he’s at a coffee shop?”

Patience smiled. “He’s my best friend. I’ve known him ever since primary school. We kind of grew up together.”

Things didn’t seem to add up for Penny. “So how come you two never got round to exchanging bodily fluids?”

For a moment, a dreamy glint animated Patience’s eyes. And then it was gone. “I would if I could, but I can’t. Joe’s gay.”